This idea plagued me since that day until I started writing. One not so special day i sat down and wrote these first two chapters. Then I asked some people for feedback. For the most part, the feedback getting has gone as should have been expected. People don't respond to me. So after Hmming and Hawing about it I wrote some more. Then I deleted that and today I wrote something else. I'm now mid-chapter 4 and I'm sharing what I have with you. I am in need of a title as well as chapter titles, any help and feedback would be much appreciated.
Chapter 1
All I could hear was the soft muffled
cry beside me, so faint in this cold night air. My vision started to
blur. The road so dark and icy beneath my head, started to blend in
with the black of the night. I don't know how long I laid there, how
long it took me to fade out. It was long enough for little white
specks to start appearing from the sky. I wanted to comprehend what
they were, where I was, what I was doing here. I couldn't remember.
When did it happen that I couldn't move? When did I cease to hear?
Why had I stopped feeling? Where was I? Was this the end? The end of
what? I couldn't remember. I stopped remembering. My white speckled
world started to shake in slow motion. My perspective was changing. A
face obscured my view of the white and black that had been my world.
It's lips were moving. I couldn't hear. I tried to focus on them. But
they were trembling too much. It was a mans face. I knew this face.
But it had never looked quite like this before. He looked so sad. Why
was he so sad? Was he sad for me? All at once I could hear again. His
voice wailed before me. He cried into my hair. I was suddenly frozen.
And then I remembered.
Like a flash in my minds eye, every
moment I had spent with this man sped through letting me catch only a
glimpse of each. I knew this man well. He was my best friend. He was
my husband. He was my true love. The moments kept spinning past like
a wonderful love story that I shouldn't want to end. But then it
started to slow. As slow as an instant can be. And I saw the crash, I
knew why I was here. He was crying because I would be dead soon.
There was no coming back from this. I tried to smile. To let him know
that I wasn't scared. I couldn't move my arm to caress his face one
last time. I couldn't speak the words I love you. Then my eyes slid
shut and I made a wish because I knew it was over.
Chapter 2
I opened my eyes to a room full of
people that looked all too familiar. Each of them was looking at me
as if waiting for me to say something. Wasn't I dead? Why would I be
in a place like this? Unless hell looked like my college from years
ago. Because this wasn't heaven. I sat motionless aware that everyone
was now looking at me as if I were acting awkward. From the front of
the room someone else finally spoke.
"I'm glad that your getting to
know each other moved you so much, but you still need to share with
the class." That was Mr. Lopez, as he was exactly like the day I
started in his class 10 years ago. I turned my head. Everything
looked exactly as I remembered it from that day. Each of my
classmates were seated just as they had been. Both Ken and Chandra
sat at their art desks across from me smiling at this mess I was
apparently making of myself. Some of the class had started to giggle.
I knew what this was. We'd been doing getting you know you exercises.
I was sitting next to Steve. I was telling to room about him, and he
was to tell them about me. But I couldn't remember what he'd said.
That happened 10 years ago. I also didn't know what my past self had
already said before I, my future self?, showed up. I think I was
going crazy. That may be, but I am here now. Maybe. Was
this some kind of joke. Was I meant to relive moments from my life.
Was I not actually dead? Was I dreaming? I took a trembling deep
breath, and felt sick to my stomach. How could I feel sick to my
stomach? Wasn't this just a dream? Wouldn't it shift like dreams do
to some other moment in time? If I were now aware of this dream,
wouldn't I just wake up? I knew everyone was still watching me,
waiting for me to say something. I bit hard on the inside of my lip,
hoping the pain would wake me from this nightmare. It hurt. I didn't
wake up. The scene didn't change. Time ticked normally. I could even
hear to second hand ticking on my watch. This must be
really happening. I reasoned
with myself. I told myself that if I could get through this moment,
it would change, and I could move on from it. Best just to act like
this was real, even if it weren't. I strained a small smile and
opened my mouth to speak. I hesitated a moment, not sure of what to
say.
"I'm sorry,
what was I supposed to be saying?" The room giggled and scoffed.
Mr. Lopez rolled his eyes.
"Maybe Mr.
Cardoza can tell us about you, and then you'll remember."
At the
desk beside me, Steve sighed and sat up a little. "This is
Johanna." That's right, I didn't go by Van yet
"She likes all music. Her favorite is, Ah, Bing, Crosby? And
this is her first quarter here" He gave that crooked smile and
his light chuckled guffaw that was his laugh, recrossed his arms and
leaned back in his chair. But those are things I recognized about him
in the future, that I didn't know before this day. My first day in
this class was the day I met him. What did I ever see in
him? Granted, apparently I had
10 years of life experience that my 2004 self didn't have. I knew
from remembering that I would develop a huge crush on him, he would
be my best friend for years, and he would take advantage of how I
felt about him whenever it suited him. I was also privy to the
information that he would eventually, in his last quarter, stop going
to his one class and eventually not graduate ever because of it. Then
he'd move home, get fat, and sell CD's in a bookstore. I would be
hopelessly in love with him through most of it. And eventually work
at the liquor store in the same shopping center as his book store.
That liquor store was where I met my husband. But that wouldn't
happen for several years. What I needed now was to remember what he'd
told me during this class before my future brain showed up to stop
the show. How am I handling this so well, so calmly?
"Alright
Johanna, back to you" It was my turn again. I remembered that in
my past, on this day, we spoke of his shirt. I glanced at it. Led
Zeppelin. I could do this.
"This is
Steve. He likes Led Zeppelin and this is his first quarter."
"That wasn't
so hard was it?" I smiled and glanced at Steve. He looked at me
and nodded approval and did his same laugh. Apparently that was good
enough because class continued on as if it were normal. Still moving
at a normal pace. Mr. Lopez gave us the third degree about not having
all of our supplies just as he had my first time around. And class
ended around 9:30 as it had back then. I packed up my things, which
was a trip, seeing all my old supplies like new. The most touching
reunion of this three hour period of crazy was my mechanical pencil.
This was the first day I'd used it. It would last me until summer of
2013 after my friend Mandi's wedding, while doing a self imposed
drawing challenge while staying at my dads. But as of right now, I
didn't even know Mandi. I didn't know any of my best friends as best
friends. Actually, at this moment in time in my past, I couldn't
remember actually having any friends. I couldn't remember if in
October of 2004 I was still trying to become friends with those
church people, or if I'd finally given up on that yet.
After
collecting all of my things. I followed the rest of the class as they
filed out of the room. I wasn't sure where I was going. I dug in my
old jean purse for some keys. I had driven myself here, but wasn't
sure what car I'd been driving at this point. I found my VW keys.
YES! I did a little
happy dance in my head. I'd gotten money my grandparents had set
aside for my 18th birthday. I had my Cabriolet. My baby. My
grandmother. I got to see Grandma again. In all of her crotchety
wonderfulness. When did I commit to thinking this was now
real life? I lost my breath. I
stopped mid step on the stairs. If this were now my real life. If I
died and my brain was sent back in time 10 years, that meant that I
would have to re-live my life. My life, and the path it took to get
me to him. Why? How? What could this mean? I took several deep
breaths. A few people passed me giving me strange looks. It was some
time before I could move again. I kept thinking of all the things
that could change in 10 years. Whatever this was, I'd landed back on
my first day of college, before any of the cataclysmic mistakes I'd
made in life. In the last 10 years, I'd made friends, I had jobs, I'd
graduated college, I'd traveled, I'd moved several times, I'd had a
broken heart, I'd made terrible mistakes, and I'd found true love.
I'd met him, I'd crushed on him, I'd gotten over that crush, I'd
moved on in life, I'd reconnected with him. I'd fallen in love with
him. I'd married him. I'd moved across the country with him. But
right now was before I even knew him. it would be at least 6 years
until I could meet him. My head started to ache. It held the memories
of a future that hadn't happened yet.
It
took a while but eventually I made it to my car and just sat there in
darkness. Strangely aware of the world around me. What was I supposed
to do? Would life continue on like this? How was I supposed to
function if it did? Why wouldn't this change? When would this go away
so that I could go back to my current life? Or was I dead? Was this
some sort of curse? Some strange life flashing before my eyes thing?
No, that had happened then. After the crash in 10 years, I had seen
my life with him. He had been crying, and I was quite certain I was
about to die. Maybe this was just an elaborate coma dream. If it were
then wouldn't I be able to do things that can't happen in real life?
Like in that movie with Leonardo DiCaprio where people can do things
in dreams... Inception? But that won't come out for a few
years. I'd seen that with
Charles, whom I wouldn’t meet until after my mom remarried, which
if my memory were correct, right now my parents were just legally
separated and 2,000 miles apart. My mind kept drifting from memory to
memory that didn't make a difference if I were stuck in 2004. Because
none of it had happened, and if this were real, which I was sure it
couldn't be, then it could all be undone by messing with things. If I
knew anything from Dr. Who, or Back to the future, it's that the
slightest change can have catastrophic effects on the future. But
that would also mean I'd have the choice with the foreknowledge to
change my future. This was big. This dream continued on in real time,
and if it continued, I'd have to make some big decisions on how to
spend the next 10 years.
I blinked, found
that I'd been crying, dried my eyes, started the car, and drove to
grandmas house. I was pretty sure I still lived there at this point.
Chapter 3
When I opened my eyes, I was in shock.
I hadn't really expected to wake up here. I was still laying in my
bed on the patio, still wearing the clothes I'd fallen asleep in the
night before. Staring at the ceiling, I could feel silent tears well
in my eyes as I struggled to catch my breath. Breathe in, breathe
out, breathe in, breathe out, stay calm. This
made no sense. I could feel the pain building in my chest. An anxiety
attack. I propped myself up on my elbows and closed my eyes,
reminding myself over and over again to just breathe.
In my
old future I would have my first anxiety attack in 2012. I would be
laid up in bed for 3 days and miss 2 days of work. Because of that, I
now knew how to help myself through this. But we didn't have Bayer in
this house. I did however need water. I glanced towards the patio
door into the house. Someone was awake and moving about in there. I
didn't know how to deal with people like this. I'd made it through
that class last night doing a play by play of memories. I had no
memories of interaction on the day to day scale. Just
breathe, stay calm, I can do this.
I sat there focusing on my breathing, listening for whoever was out
there to leave so I could find some aspirin and grab a glass of
water. It was taking longer than expected. Slowly I was able to calm
down. Though the small pain still lingered in my chest. I took in my
surroundings, struck anew by the surrealism of being in this place
again. The clothes rack, desk and wardrobe that made up the
surrounding walls, shielding me in from the rest of the patio. My
mother had an area similar to my own beside mine and my younger
brother had a bed on the other side of the room. There was so much
crap. So many things I no longer owned in my future, and barely
remembered having owned in this past.
Why am I here?
There was no answer to that question. It was then I heard whoever it
was go down the hall and shut a door at the end of it. Cautiously I
left the safety of my area and crept towards the door. Today would be
Wednesday. My older brother would either be in class or asleep on the
couch. Or maybe it was him whom I'd just heard in the hall. Mom would
be at work. My younger brother, Joseph, would be at school. Aunt
Debbie probably was still working her job and my cousin was either
asleep or not even home. My grandma would be... Grandma is
still alive. I peered through
the glass door. The blinds were open enough for a person to go
through. My brother slept on the couch. Grandma would be in her room.
As quietly as I could, I tiptoed through the living room towards the
dining room, pausing to glance down the hallway. Then I peered around
the wall into the kitchen. Deserted. Good. I took a deep breath,
adopted an air of confidence and strode to the cabinet for a glass
and filled it. Turned abruptly and searched through the bottles on
top of the microwave searching for the aspirin. And then the
unthinkable happened. Not sure why I though it unthinkable, pretty
much anything was possible at this point. Including my cat jumping up
onto the counter to glare at me. He hated to be held, but I grabbed
him up anyways and quietly sobbed into his beautiful Persian coat. It
wasn't until I heard the door open again at the end of the hall, that
I put him down smoothed his fur and dried my eyes. Then I got out
some aspirin and was finishing my glass of water when Robby entered
the room. This was early for him to be up, but I was strangely
relieved that it was him and not grandma. I wasn't ready to see her
yet. I had been at her side when she died, it would be too weird.
Plus, based on the reaction I had at just seeing my cat, I wasn't
sure I could keep myself appropriately composed.
"Hey"
He said to me in his half asleep groggy tone. His hair was still
cropped short, and he looked all the 10 years younger that he was at
19. Still enormous in physique at 6' 7" or so, but a lot more
friendly looking than he would become.
"Sup"
I said, as normally as I could muster,while averting my face. I
didn't want to deal with people, even if they were half asleep. I
washed my glass and got out of his way, then made my way back to my
area on the patio. Since it looked like I was going to have to
re-live my life. I definitely needed a plan.
Chapter
4
It had
been almost a week of restless nights, plan making, and dodging the
question "Are you alright," but I was pretty sure I'd
finally come up with what could be my plan. I was going to feel
people out and see if I could get away with telling the truth. Not
the truth about my having memories of things that hadn't happened
yet. Dear God, no! About the way I was going to choose to live my
life. The air was chilly as I got out of bed and crept to the
bathroom. Mom wasn't awake yet, the sun was barely coming over the
horizon, but she would be as soon as it peeked through the windows. I
took a quick shower, as quick as I could manage, and got dressed in
the clothes I'd brought with me. My Sunday best looked strange on me.
I hadn't dressed up for church for a while. Several months, almost a
year probably. I also looked strange because I didn't own these
clothes in 2014. My long black pencil skirt would rip from over wear
in 2009. My blue button up would acquire stains, and my shoes would
wear out. I was also still not used to being so NOT-fat by
comparison. How did I think this was fat?
I wore a 9-10 at the time, and the first time around I thought I was
fat. Sure compared to skinny people I was larger, but at least I
wasn't so big I barely fit into my size 14 clothes. I heard the faint
sound of people talking down the hall waft through the door as I
stared at myself in silence. Best not keep them waiting.
I quick french braided my wet hair, a skill I wouldn't acquire until
2008, and applied some mascara, choosing not to add the dark layer of
eyeliner I used to don on a daily basis.
I
entered the kitchen to see grandma and my mom talking at the dining
room table. Both eyed me as if my presence were a questionable
mirage.
"You're
up early. And dressed. What's the occasion?" My mom smiled at
me.
"'Morning."I
posed to them both. "Oh you know, don't want to make us late for
church again." I took a seat with them in the dining room.
"Do
you have to do sound today?" Shit!
I hadn't remembered that. In all of my prep and planning, I had
forgotten I used to help out by doing sound at church sometimes. I
had NO idea if this was my week to do it or not. I tried not to let
the alarm show on my face.
"I
don't think so." I said apprehensively. There were two other
guys that worked sound besides myself. Carlos and whatshisname.
Luigi? No. Linus?
L-L-Lois? No! Louise! Lou-y. That's it. Louise. I think.
There was a one in three chance I was wrong, and was supposed to be
the one to do it. We'd find out when we got there.
My
grandma sat there with her coffee eying me speculatively. Our first
encounter had gone better than mine had with the cat. I didn't cry.
But I was probably acting really strange. She pursed her lips in
thought like she always did and took a sip. I smiled and asked about
breakfast.
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